is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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