I wanna passion pit in your ass
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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