they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
