No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
