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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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