I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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