we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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