i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize