he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
