Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
