Your face is a jimmy john
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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