when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
