1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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