first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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