Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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