Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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