i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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