I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
