I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
