So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
