did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
bring money and cleavage
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
