Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
