life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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