To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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