come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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