im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
