Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
