So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
a search helicopter?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
