you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
