He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
