I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
