there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
