I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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