wanna go halves on a baby?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
