Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
