just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
