I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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