I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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