guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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