Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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