Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
True college students do jello shots in the library
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