I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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