i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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