Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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