Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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