you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize