Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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