Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
