I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
