remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Randomize
