I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
