Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
