I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
