Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
