so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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