Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
