There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
