Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize