This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
