I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just forgot I was standing up.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
