drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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